Grammas

Since August 5, my mom has been visiting. At 75 (almost 76) she drove herself here from Montgomery, Texas (near Houston). It takes her 14 hours to drive here - she leaves at the crack of dawn and basically eats her way here. She refuses to spend money on road food so she packs this cooler - milk, cheese, granola bars...I can't even remember what she brings to eat. But, she got here late Saturday night. She comes to visit and she comes to help. Since my babies were little, she has worked her butt off helping me around the house with the laundry, meals, groceries, babies...everything. I couldn't afford a nanny but I had a gramma (my kids call her gumi). When she was younger, it was easier for her to deal with the ups and downs of babies. Now, that the kids are older, she struggles with the notion of not being "needed." I think that notion must be genetic because when I realized that my being "needed" was changing from immediately and 24/7 to meals, driving and occasionally companionship, I freaked out. She hates their schedules - they sleep later, have little or no urgency about most things and operate totally on their own schedules. I have learned to tell them when they need things from me that we either do it when it is convenient for me or we don't do it. If there are precursors to doing things and they aren't done - we don't do them.

I see changes in my Mom. Her energy is lower, her intensity is higher and she is becoming so inflexible. Worse than that, she is getting that attitude that I really dislike in some older people: I'm old so it's okay for me to be rude. She is constantly interrupting conversations, she talks when I'm reading so I can't concentrate, and she watches CNN constantly! She doesn't understand any one else's pace in life. I am patient! She gets mad at us when we don't spend the entire day talking or engaged in some "meaningful" conversation. It's funny to a certain extent because as my kids have gotten older, I have let go a whole lot more and things are so much more relaxed. Like I fix breakfast - get out the bagels, cut up some fruit - leave it on the counter for people to eat when they are ready! Mom wants to set up a whole formal breakfast! We read the Sunday papers in stages - a little here, check some e-mails, read a little more paper, go for a workout, come home read the paper a little more, drink some more coffee...drives Mom crazy!

She has very strong relationships with my kids. She calls them on their cells and keeps calling them when they don't answer. She sends letters and calls to see if they got them. Keeps them accountable for their behaviors - she gets in their faces when they do things she doesn't like, when they make grades she doesn't think are acceptable. When my daughter first went to college, my Mom was able to talk her into staying in college. I appreciate that! So many times, kids these days don't have anyone who tells them that their behavior is unacceptable. Not their parents, not their friends, not the schools, not the churches. When I was little and did something wrong, I heard about it from my Uncle Vic, my Aunt Dollly, my mom, my dad, my Uncle George...everyone had an opinion and they all told me. Yet, I grew up in a very loving extended family. However, sometimes Mom thinks that her relationships with the kids gives her the right to supercede my decisions - that pisses me off. Sometimes, it really pisses me off - she can't seem to determine anymore where her authority and rights as a grandparent end and mine as a parent begin. But, I guess it is consistent - she isn't afraid to tell me that she thinks my decisions are wrong...sometimes I wonder how I manage to make it through the day without her here to tell me what to do, what to think and when to think and do!

I love my mom and I know I will miss her when she is not here. I am glad she has had the time and has taken the initiative to be involved with my kids. Those relationships will never be forgotten no matter how goofy they might be.

Egad, I'm really putting some shite out there...do you think I needed to "release" a llittle?!?

Nancy