It's 7:10 on Saturday, December 20, 2008. The temperature is 64 - here's the rest of the details:

UV Index:		0 Low
Wind:		From SW at 9 mph
Humidity:		82%
Pressure:		29.90 in.
Dew Point:		59°F
Visibility:		8.0 miles

I love global warming (very tongue in cheek)!!! I remember living in Minnesota in December and it was so very cold.

As I walked the dog tonight, it was a fabulously balmy night with a slight, but warm breeze from the north. It made me think of a Joni Mitchell song - "the wind came in from Africa and last night I couldn't sleep." I walked thinking and imagining that I was feeling the wind coming in from Africa. That would be so amazingly awesome. I've never been to Africa so I don't know how it smells. But, I think the Joni Mitchell song was based on a bar she was at in Spain. In the book "The Alchemist" the young man discusses the levanter wind: "The levanter was still getting stronger, and he felt its force in his face. That wind had brought the Moors yes, but it had also brought the smell of the desert and of veiled women. It had brought with it the sweat and the dreams of men who had once left to search for the unknown..." I am called to Africa - I know it. It's in the wind when I walk at night in winter and it's in the new people I meet, in the conversations I have, in the business I want to do...The universe continues to move me that way.

My fabulously articulate intelligent hairdresser is reading Proust. I have never thought of reading Proust because I have the attention span of a 2 year old. When I was checking my emails the other day there was an email from Borders suggesting I look at Proust! So weird. I saw my hairdresser on Monday and told him of the coincidence - he thought it very strange as well. I'm not sure I'm ready for Proust. He thinks I'm centering and moving inwards. Interesting.

Went to a jewelry/textile Holiday show on Thursday. Met a man named Jake. His eyes were the eyes of a soul I know - who and where I don't know. He owns a business that is helping women to realize their economic potential by providing a business "incubator" for them. Irwin Street Market. Jake makes ice cream - phenomenal ice cream. Lynn and I told him of Mango Tree - he asked us what we needed. No one has ever asked us what we need - we were so astonished - we didn't have an answer. We need one! He also asked us a few questions, in general. Business plan? Commitment? And, then that question - of what do we need?!! He thinks he wants to do an ice cream flavor in honor of Mango Tree...a portion of the proceeds to Mango Tree! Amazing! Lynn had called me on her way from Canton and she called me asking if she should come. I said yes, absolutely, it will be fun. Look what happened.

Again the Universe is yelling at me. There's something I'm supposed to do. I hope I'm doing it.

The winter solstice is tomorrow - the shortest day of the year - I'm glad. From now on the days get longer and longer...I went to candlelight yoga last night with Suzanne. It was to celebrate the season. Ursula, our instructor, encouraged us to look for the purpose (I think she used a different word) for our celebrations whether they were Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or the winter solstice. She mentioned that she was traveling with her 80 year old mother to visit her brother. The brother has cancer, the sister-in-law is evangelical christian and thinks that Ursula is the devil because of her yoga. She wasn't looking forward to going but felt she should because her Mom wanted to go and because she wanted to make sure she got to see her brother - in the event he's not around next year.

Tim and Joe are at hockey game, Andy went Christmas shopping with Alex and I'm home alone with the dog. These days I'm not alone too often. It's nice. I'm able to think and enjoy the quiet. Sometimes I wonder what my purpose at home is - seems like cooking and cleaning. It's hard to think, now, of myself in that way.

So...

Inching Towards the Holidays

Joe came home from college last Saturday. Andy arrived on Tuesday. Joe drives himself home from school - arrived in time to meet Tim and I for sushi before we headed out downtown to Whiskey Blue. Andy has a long travel day - rising at 5:00 a.m. (after a few phone calls from me) and catching a shuttle from campus to the Minneapolis airport. The shuttle picks him up at 5:50 a.m. and gets him to the airport at 8:30. He has time to get food, check his suitcase...all those things. This time his flight was at 11:15 and fortunately he was only delayed a few minutes.

Tim picked him up at the airport - I had a mammogram. Mammogram was fine - not too painful. You don't get immediate results/readings but they will let me know if there are problems. Very unsatisfying. I find that I don't like being messed with lately and, lately, I've been messed with a lot (colonoscopy and mammogram during the same month). By the time I got home, Tim and Andy were here, Joe was home - Tim made tacos, I went to yoga. I am really making sure I am finding time for yoga these days. Of course, I'm not doing a damned thing else but, I'm at least getting to yoga.

Boys went to AC/DC concert on Tuesday night and from what I heard from them they are both deaf but the show was awesome - the band blew up some stuff on stage, had a 20 foot blow up doll (Joe has an affinity for blow up dolls) and a fake train on the stage. They both really enjoyed it.

I'm trying to get the Christmas shopping finished - geez! Lesley's stuff was mailed - she is having a "meager" Christmas - I'm sure she will be disappointed but it is really freaking expensive to mail stuff to Taiwan and, I know she knows that, but we sent her some neat stuff, wrapped up in Christmas paper, licked by the dog...hopefully we can get together via skype on Christmas Day. I have one more box of stuff for Lesley that will be sent tomorrow - not Christmas presents but some sweaters and skirts and Luna bars. Joe was easy this year and he's going to have a great Christmas. Andy is being a butt head and not giving me a list. I've threatened with socks and underwear! Maybe I will do that too! Tim is getting his pin marker and photo from the Masters Golf Tournament framed - it looks awesome, a sweater, I don't know what else. I'm a little pissed that he is so reluctant to give ideas for gifts. I have requested a plane ticket to Taiwan to see Lesley - hopefully by March. We'll see.

Tim and my Mom turn into scrooges this time of year. Every year I know it's going to happen and every year I am optimistic that they won't. But, alas, again this year they are here and they are grumpy. I don't get it. It's so frustrating because they make sure everyone around them knows how miserable they are. Personally, I'm so tired of it. Why not just relax and have some fun - why not just embrace the gift giving process and know that it only happens once a year. Anyway, I have some major shopping to finish up and I am irritated that I am having to do it so close to the end of things. Maybe I'll hit some good sales.

Going to the High Museum today to see the Terracotta Warriors. Everybody is giving me a hard time about going - I promised everyone lunch afterwards!

Heading to the Mountains

I am leaving late this morning to go to Cashiers, North Carolina with two of my good friends. Suzanne, Laurie and I are off to Laurie's place in Cashiers. I have never been up there and I hear it is spectacularly beautiful. Suzanne is bringing the food, I am bringing the wine and Laurie is providing the place! Should be a blast. I am looking forward to great friends, great food, great wine and great conversations.

Suzanne and I met Laurie this summer in France. She was one of the yoga instructors who organized the trip. When Suzanne and I first arrived at the train station in Thiviers, Laurie was with Kevin to pick us up. She had gotten there before us and had done some shopping so we had a lovely light dinner on the front porch of the gite! It was awesome. Laurie is fantastic - she's friendly, intelligent, beautiful, personable and funny as hell! We got to spend some time with her before all the other yogis arrived at the Chateau. And it was a lot of fun. Anyway, Suzanne and I both really enjoyed meeting Laurie and are trying to do things with her on a regular basis.

Both Tim and I are trying to get used to him being home full time. I sometimes feel like he thinks he is still living in a hotel - that someone else will take care of the details for him. Unfortunately, the maid stayed at the hotel. I'm just not interested in going back to those responsibilities full time. I think, in all honesty, that as my kids got older, as I went back to school, etc I was really able to get away from all the cooking and cleaning responsibilities - I don't want them back again. It's like I've been given a break from the mundane tasks of meal preparation after 23 years of doing it...and it's nice. I guess I keep thinking that as time passes, Tim will become more accustomed to being home and start to take on some of the responsibilities...maybe?

All this does, however, make me realize that I am not willing to sit around the house any more. I have become more restless as time has passed. For me, home is where my family is and right now they are scattered all over the country and world. So, I am living in this huge house - using 1/3rd of the space and trying to figure out how to travel. It also makes me realize that, even though I did exactly what I wanted to do by staying home and raising our family, that I maybe sold myself short. I am not financially independent - everything I have is because of what Tim has accomplished. My accomplishments have resulted in absolutely no financial gain or security for our family. So, it's creating a level of frustration in my mind. But, it's also got the wheels spinning. What can I do to contribute to the financial security of our family, how can I begin to create a level of financial independence that doesn't rely on Tim. I have a hard time taking money out of our family coffers to travel to Colombia or Malawi...but I don't have money otherwise. I've got to be creative, I've got to figure out how to make Mango Tree a financial reality...somehow, somewhere. I suppose it gives me something to think about.

Had a great conversation with Josh at ONE yesterday. I think he is going to give us a lot of freedom, a lot of flexibility and some access to people at ONE at a higher level - who are working with the same level of people we are.

I'm excited.

Colonoscopies and Dogs

I had my first colonoscopy on Friday. And, it's true what everyone says - it's not the procedure that's tough, it's getting ready for the procedure that sucks. I had a late lunch on Wednesday - really not that late which was not too good in hindsight - but I had a big salad at around 2 on Wednesday. We made some popcorn later that evening.

Starting Thursday morning I was on clear liquids only. I guess I'm a hog eater - but I was starving all day. I had jello, I had chicken bouillion. Tim even bought me lifesavers - no purple or red. I had the meds the doc required - dulcolax (four pills taken total) and Miralax - 15 capfuls in a liter of water x 2 four taken hours apart. After the first dose of pills and Miralax, nothing happened. Drinking the stuff wasn't too bad - I found out that I do not like it in sweet things - I had it in ginger ale and it was too sweet. But drinking a liter of anything is drinking a lot of stuff - and it all needs to be done relatively quickly. anyway, suffice it to say that after the second dose, things worked just fine. I was able to sleep most of the night, so I wasn't too whipped when I went to the hospital.

I was at the hospital at 8:15 for a 9:30 - they hooked me up to an iv - asked me lots of questions about my general health and then, took me to the procedure room. I was asked to lie on my left side, hooked up to a bp monitor, heart monitors and given oxygen (which at first the lady had turned up so high it was like blowing my nose out). Then the anesthesiologist came in - he told me that the first medicine (was there more than one) might give me a funny taste in my mouth and make my ears ring...about 2 seconds after he administered the drug I was out cold - I think I made a comment like, okay, that's it - I woke up in my own little cubicle with my husband sitting there...no wonder people really like drugs! I asked the doctor and the nurse if I couldn't have some of that medicine to take home with me!!!!!! The colonoscopy was fine - I have a little bit of diverticulitis in my upper colon - no problems though. No polyps, no cancer. I don't have to go back for 7 years!

I was so thirsty and hungry after we were all done. All the time I was not able to eat, I kept wondering if that gnawing feeling you get from being hungry all the time goes away. I don't think it does entirely. i think you just become numb to the pain...We went to Goldbergs Deli - I had a reuben and a coke - a real coke. Then last night I made pasta - fettucine with artichokes, capers, pancetta...it was absolutely delicious.

Now about the dog...my dog has turned into a spontaneous pooper...she no longer can wait to get out to the grass - which is maybe 25 yards from our back door - she just starts pooping in the driveway. It is the funniest thing - and the grossest thing. She will be just walking along and all of a sudden, the tail goes straight out and it starts. We had her on this fancy schmancy dog food from the vet - the last time I went to buy it it cost me $50 for forty pounds - I decided that we needed to do something different. She had been eating this "sensitive stomach" food - Cassie notoriously, remember she's a lab who will eat anything and everything and prefers kitty poops for treats - because she was prone to diarrhea. There's nothing worse than a big dog with bowel issues. Hence the fancy dog food. However, this summer, when I was out of town, Tim and Lesley ran out of dog food on the weekend and we were forced to buy grocery store dog food...she loves it and she has not had a bad reaction to the food at all...except for the spontaneous pooping issue!!!

Anyway, I know this is a fairly gross post - all about bowel movements and stuff but, for some reason, that's where my head is this morning! Tonight we are going to a party to celebrate Finnish Independence. My Finnish friend is making Thai food! We're making a little cake with a Finnish flag on it for her - my husband is a whore for white cake with white frosting and will use any excuse to get me to make one! I think we will just do cupcakes of something! Fortunately, the Finnish flag is easy to make!

Days After

I managed to survive the day yesterday without anyone telling me what to do, how to do it, without anyone telling me what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling - it was amazing!

I share my life with people who feel compelled to tell me how to do things. My mom is probably the worst. We have more little "discussions" on the process of doing things - I do them my way and she wants them done her way. Little things - like what to say to my kids, how to make cornbread. It's astonishing. Then, my husband has decided that he knows how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking...geez, it's amazing. I'm not presumptuous enough to think that I know how anyone feels or thinks...talk to me and then I'll know. I can tell if you're upset about something but not what!

Most of the time I am able to blow it off completely but after 9 days of instructions, I'm done.

I'm prepping today for my colonoscopy tomorrow. Liquid diet - no cream in my coffee. I'm not too happy about the colonoscopy - I don't like the idea of people going in an out place. I'm nervous about anesthesia, and, of course, my Mom has told me some horror stories about some of her friends who have had problems after their procedures. Of course, my husband tells me that I'm being silly! The laxative stuff is supposed to start at 2 - I think I'm going to start it a little earlier - can't hurt and maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight...not happy about this procedure. I've had three c-sections and when I was 18 I had my wisdom teeth surgically removed - had to go to the hospital but I refused to spend the night - my roomies took me home. Otherwise, I've been pretty lucky.

Rain here this afternoon. I'm going to yoga, then to the grocery store and to mail some stuff to Andy. We are working on Christmas gifts to get sent to Lesley. I don't know what to give her.

Mothers

My mom has had a pretty shitty year. She needed arthroscopic knee surgery to correct a problem with some cartilage in her right knee...they discovered she has no acl, that there were microscopic tears in her miniscus...she opted not to have knee replacement because she wants to be able to go skiing with my brother and his kids! Never mind the fact that she hasn't been on skis in about 25 years...she wants to go skiing. She should have had the knee replacement. While she was visiting I realized she can hardly walk at all - stairs are a huge problem, any kind of incline is a problem and she tires very easily. I can't imagine how she expects to ski. She got the orthopedic who did her surgery to fit her with an athletic brace - of course she doesn't use it when she walks. Fortunately she doesn't want to go skiing with my kids so I don't have to tell her I think she's absolutely fucking crazy! I'm going to leave it to my brother!

Around mid June, right after my husband and I returned from Europe with Andy, I talked to Mom and realized that, after she told me she hadn't been out of bed all weekend nor had she eaten all weekend, that she might be sick. I left for Texas a few days after I got home from Europe. Mom was really sick. She had diarrhea, fever and had not been able to keep any food in for a few days. I had called her doctor, got them to get her in, before I managed to get to Texas so they could start to treat her. Long and short of it - someone had authorized a change in her cholesterol medication, she had been taking it since April, and it had a really, really bad effect on her. She had elevated sugar levels, elevated bun and creatinine levels, blood pressure around 80...On the way to her house from the airport I stopped and got two whataburger juniors with japalenos. Mom had been trying to change the sheets on her bed since early in the morning - I arrived about 9:00 and she had not been able to get things in order. I'm glad I got there when I did. I was able to get her to the doctor another time, got her to eat, got the diarrhea under control - stayed for a week. I am worried that she won't realize, if she gets sick like this again, that she is as sick as she is! It scares me.

Then she had a problem with a tumor in her ear. The doctor took it out - had to remove skin from behind her ear because he took a huge hunk out of the inside of her ear. I was not there for that one. I should have been there. She had problems with bleeding, infections...all that shit.

Hurricane Ike was next - she lost power for a week. The day before she got her power back she manually opened the garage door so she could get her car out and she got her finger stuck - the middle finger on her right hand. Crushed it - fractured the entire end of her finger off - fortunately the skin was still intact or she would have severed her finger completely off. That also turned out to be a huge problem...extgreme pain, bleeding and infection! Her fingernail finally came off while she was here visiting - she was really willing to share it with everyone!

Mom has been here since November 23. It's challenging for me because she wants to be with me every second of the day. If she woke up before me she would come upstairs and sit in my office, reading yesterday's paper and watching CNN or MSNBC. As soon as she heard me coming down the stairs she was with me - in the kitchen, in the laundry room, walking the dog, anything I was doing she was doing it with me. Most of the time I don't mind but sometimes...It's really hard to constantly be taking direction for how to do things - specially when it's something you do all the time without direction. I got to go to yoga two days and got two walks in - each time I came home, she mentioned that she didnt' understand why it took me so long to do what I did and why I did it!!!!!! A couple of times she would sit in my office while I was trying to work - talking, asking questions, reading the newspaperout loud to me - there is absolutely no time for me to be alone, to be quiet and to think. I need that time.

She's on a plane back to Houston now. I feel guilty when I wish she wasn't here because I know that one day she won't be here. That's not a pleasant thought and as soon as I think it I push that thought out of my head. I enjoy what I can...ignore most of the stuff that bugs me.