As we are coming to the end of month five of the World CEO Tour, I'm getting tired of it. My hubby is commuting Monday - Thursday to Philly. He should be able to just concentrate on work and resting - do what he needs to do to take care of himself. He's working and resting all right but then when he comes home he's tired and doesn't want to do anything. That's unfortunate because after a week of being "held captive in the house" I am desperate for something to do. I miss my man being home! But what I really miss is my man being home and him being ready to play with me. Whatever kinds of things - going to the movie, having friends over. This is the reason I went back to college - I needed something to challenge me intellectually and needed a social life. Now that is all done and I'm back where I started - granted with a summa cum laude degree but...
I'm lonely and am slowly becoming unproductive. Finishing college has left me in a state of perpetual "wtf do I do now?" There are so many things to be done - every day I make a list but what I accomplish are the freaking mundane things - go to the grocery, pick up the laundry, do the laundry, make the beds, workout. But, in reality, I'm so over that domestic phase of my life. And, while working out is good for my head and great for my body, it's definitely fulfilling on one level but so unfulfilling on another level.
My son is taking an eHigh School class - Health and Fitness - they continue to schedule mandatory weekend classes which have totally wreaked havoc on the possibilities of him getting to college auditions (for bass guitar) in other cities. I had to cancel an audition at University of the Arts in Philly scheduled for this coming weekend - had to cancel the flight, had to cancel my husband's rearranged flight and then rearrange his schedule so he could come home instead of staying in Philly for the weekend. It's a $300 oops from the eHigh School staff. They tell me that the schedule has been posted since October - like I would know that! Not only that but every time I tried to get on the website for the eHigh School I was told that since I didn't have a login (which you only get after you register for a freaking class) that I could not access the information I needed!!!!!!!!!! I just don't get it. I contacted eHigh School and they told me that there would be absolutely no make-ups allowed - if my son didn't show up he would be dropped from the class...not good when you're a second semester senior who has to have this class to freaking graduate. So, as I mentioned, we cancelled the audition and the flights and are sitting on this whole thing for a while.
So, I have decided to cancel the whole audition process. I have withdrawn Andy's applications to Berklee and to UArts because we just can't possibly fit in the audition/interview schedules we/they need. Most of the auditions are in February and it is impossible for us to get to any of them; even until probably mid-March. My decision is based on Andy's schedule for school - eHigh School, Drama and Men's Chorus and the fact that this fabulous kid informed me yesterday that he is afraid he isn't good enough to get into Berklee or UArts. Now, this is coming from a 17 year old boy who, from what everyone tells me, is a great bass player! They are constantly telling me what a good musician he is. This is coming from a boy who only wants to be a musician or be involved in the music industry somehow. His fear has paralyzed him - right now he has shut down, will not participate in the college discussions and had refused to come up with an alternative plan He feels it would be wasting our money to fly him up for auditions! And, it would - an audition trip to Berklee in Boston costs about $1,000 - airfare for two, hotel rooms, food; then multiply that by 2 because he was also auditioning at UArts in Philly. But what really pisses me off (and probably more at myself than at him) is that this boy from the beginning told me he wanted to go to a local music school (AIM - Atlanta Institute of Music) for a year. But, my hubby and I, in our infinite adult wisdom, decided that he didn't know what he really wanted...that what he really wanted was a liberal arts education at a small private liberal arts college where he could major in music. However, the negative to that is that small private liberal arts colleges have a hefty price tag - $30K a year - a lot of money if you have a kid who could give a rip that they are there. I have made him complete his college applications, I have gotten transcripts sent, etc. He has done very little. Last night, as he is almost in tears, over just a general "college/audition" conversation about rearranging stuff - when he informed me that he is worried that he isn't good enough to get in - I asked him what he thought his alternatives were. He said he doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up - I laughed and reminded him that very few people know what they want to be when they grow up even when they grow up and that it changes all the time. He mentioned AIM again - I asked him if he had any information on the programs or requirements. He said no but went to his room and got on their website and began the process of applying. They have a program starting, a quarter system, July-September. He wants to do it! I told him that he would be required to get a job and go to school. That he also would be required to get his driver's license...so he could get himself to work and school and home. We talked a little bit more and he thinks that if he gets a least a quarter in at this school, it will help him to figure out where he fits in the overall "national/international" music scene. If he likes it he stays, if it gives him enough confidence, he may audition for music colleges or if he hates it then he can go to regular college in January! The other good news is that his bass teacher is the former director of bass programs at AIM and still an instructor there and had suggested that Andy look at attending the school...When I contacted Russ last night to tell him that we needed to reschedule bass lessons for the next few weeks because of chorus rehearsals and eHigh School stuff, he said that if Andy applied to AIM that he needed to tell the school that he had recommended him.
The issue at AIM is that they are not a "residential" college. And here's why that's an issue - with my husband working in Philly, our goal was to move our home to Philly after Andy graduated from high school. If Andy is at AIM, he will have to get an apartment near the school. This kid is so not ready for living on his own...the biggest problem being that he doesn't drive...how will he be able to get to work, to classes, to gigs if he doesn't drive and can't get himself there. If we don't move, then Andy can live at home, or get an apartment, while I am here to help him transition, but I'm still not going to be willing to drive him all over town to do what he needs to do. Not only that, Andy is pretty naive and a very good kid. Example, when I ask Andy what time he will be home on Friday or Saturday night, he says 10:30!!!!!! In this world of sex, drugs and rock and roll all he needs is the eye opening experience of roomies into drugs or alcohol!!!!!!!!!! Scares the shit out of me! It is such an alternative way of life, a way of life that has cost many very talented people their lives. Yeah, this whole thing just really scares me so much.
Needless to say, I didn't sleep last night - AT ALL!!!! My kids are making me old - so much worry, so much love, so many opportunities - you just want them to have the opportunity to make the most of their abilities, to pursue their passions - so why is it so hard for them to do it. Perhaps if we would just get out of the way, let him do what he wants to do and move from there. I worry that if he doesn't get out there in the real world, away from the comforts of home, he may never be able to figure out the challenges of living. Like how hard it is to support yourself in the lifestyle he is accustomed to when you are working part-time at McDonalds...
So what are the options? I can continue to be a complete and total head case (or bitch depending on who you talk to) or I can get my shit together and start working. Getting this out of my head and on to the screen (paper) does help. I think I will take the alternative and get my self moving - I'm working on a speech today, working on Articles of Incorporation for Mango Tree Foundation, finishing the Letter of Instructions for Shipping Bikes!
Nancy
