It's 7:10 on Saturday, December 20, 2008. The temperature is 64 - here's the rest of the details:

UV Index:		0 Low
Wind:		From SW at 9 mph
Humidity:		82%
Pressure:		29.90 in.
Dew Point:		59°F
Visibility:		8.0 miles

I love global warming (very tongue in cheek)!!! I remember living in Minnesota in December and it was so very cold.

As I walked the dog tonight, it was a fabulously balmy night with a slight, but warm breeze from the north. It made me think of a Joni Mitchell song - "the wind came in from Africa and last night I couldn't sleep." I walked thinking and imagining that I was feeling the wind coming in from Africa. That would be so amazingly awesome. I've never been to Africa so I don't know how it smells. But, I think the Joni Mitchell song was based on a bar she was at in Spain. In the book "The Alchemist" the young man discusses the levanter wind: "The levanter was still getting stronger, and he felt its force in his face. That wind had brought the Moors yes, but it had also brought the smell of the desert and of veiled women. It had brought with it the sweat and the dreams of men who had once left to search for the unknown..." I am called to Africa - I know it. It's in the wind when I walk at night in winter and it's in the new people I meet, in the conversations I have, in the business I want to do...The universe continues to move me that way.

My fabulously articulate intelligent hairdresser is reading Proust. I have never thought of reading Proust because I have the attention span of a 2 year old. When I was checking my emails the other day there was an email from Borders suggesting I look at Proust! So weird. I saw my hairdresser on Monday and told him of the coincidence - he thought it very strange as well. I'm not sure I'm ready for Proust. He thinks I'm centering and moving inwards. Interesting.

Went to a jewelry/textile Holiday show on Thursday. Met a man named Jake. His eyes were the eyes of a soul I know - who and where I don't know. He owns a business that is helping women to realize their economic potential by providing a business "incubator" for them. Irwin Street Market. Jake makes ice cream - phenomenal ice cream. Lynn and I told him of Mango Tree - he asked us what we needed. No one has ever asked us what we need - we were so astonished - we didn't have an answer. We need one! He also asked us a few questions, in general. Business plan? Commitment? And, then that question - of what do we need?!! He thinks he wants to do an ice cream flavor in honor of Mango Tree...a portion of the proceeds to Mango Tree! Amazing! Lynn had called me on her way from Canton and she called me asking if she should come. I said yes, absolutely, it will be fun. Look what happened.

Again the Universe is yelling at me. There's something I'm supposed to do. I hope I'm doing it.

The winter solstice is tomorrow - the shortest day of the year - I'm glad. From now on the days get longer and longer...I went to candlelight yoga last night with Suzanne. It was to celebrate the season. Ursula, our instructor, encouraged us to look for the purpose (I think she used a different word) for our celebrations whether they were Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or the winter solstice. She mentioned that she was traveling with her 80 year old mother to visit her brother. The brother has cancer, the sister-in-law is evangelical christian and thinks that Ursula is the devil because of her yoga. She wasn't looking forward to going but felt she should because her Mom wanted to go and because she wanted to make sure she got to see her brother - in the event he's not around next year.

Tim and Joe are at hockey game, Andy went Christmas shopping with Alex and I'm home alone with the dog. These days I'm not alone too often. It's nice. I'm able to think and enjoy the quiet. Sometimes I wonder what my purpose at home is - seems like cooking and cleaning. It's hard to think, now, of myself in that way.

So...

Inching Towards the Holidays

Joe came home from college last Saturday. Andy arrived on Tuesday. Joe drives himself home from school - arrived in time to meet Tim and I for sushi before we headed out downtown to Whiskey Blue. Andy has a long travel day - rising at 5:00 a.m. (after a few phone calls from me) and catching a shuttle from campus to the Minneapolis airport. The shuttle picks him up at 5:50 a.m. and gets him to the airport at 8:30. He has time to get food, check his suitcase...all those things. This time his flight was at 11:15 and fortunately he was only delayed a few minutes.

Tim picked him up at the airport - I had a mammogram. Mammogram was fine - not too painful. You don't get immediate results/readings but they will let me know if there are problems. Very unsatisfying. I find that I don't like being messed with lately and, lately, I've been messed with a lot (colonoscopy and mammogram during the same month). By the time I got home, Tim and Andy were here, Joe was home - Tim made tacos, I went to yoga. I am really making sure I am finding time for yoga these days. Of course, I'm not doing a damned thing else but, I'm at least getting to yoga.

Boys went to AC/DC concert on Tuesday night and from what I heard from them they are both deaf but the show was awesome - the band blew up some stuff on stage, had a 20 foot blow up doll (Joe has an affinity for blow up dolls) and a fake train on the stage. They both really enjoyed it.

I'm trying to get the Christmas shopping finished - geez! Lesley's stuff was mailed - she is having a "meager" Christmas - I'm sure she will be disappointed but it is really freaking expensive to mail stuff to Taiwan and, I know she knows that, but we sent her some neat stuff, wrapped up in Christmas paper, licked by the dog...hopefully we can get together via skype on Christmas Day. I have one more box of stuff for Lesley that will be sent tomorrow - not Christmas presents but some sweaters and skirts and Luna bars. Joe was easy this year and he's going to have a great Christmas. Andy is being a butt head and not giving me a list. I've threatened with socks and underwear! Maybe I will do that too! Tim is getting his pin marker and photo from the Masters Golf Tournament framed - it looks awesome, a sweater, I don't know what else. I'm a little pissed that he is so reluctant to give ideas for gifts. I have requested a plane ticket to Taiwan to see Lesley - hopefully by March. We'll see.

Tim and my Mom turn into scrooges this time of year. Every year I know it's going to happen and every year I am optimistic that they won't. But, alas, again this year they are here and they are grumpy. I don't get it. It's so frustrating because they make sure everyone around them knows how miserable they are. Personally, I'm so tired of it. Why not just relax and have some fun - why not just embrace the gift giving process and know that it only happens once a year. Anyway, I have some major shopping to finish up and I am irritated that I am having to do it so close to the end of things. Maybe I'll hit some good sales.

Going to the High Museum today to see the Terracotta Warriors. Everybody is giving me a hard time about going - I promised everyone lunch afterwards!

Heading to the Mountains

I am leaving late this morning to go to Cashiers, North Carolina with two of my good friends. Suzanne, Laurie and I are off to Laurie's place in Cashiers. I have never been up there and I hear it is spectacularly beautiful. Suzanne is bringing the food, I am bringing the wine and Laurie is providing the place! Should be a blast. I am looking forward to great friends, great food, great wine and great conversations.

Suzanne and I met Laurie this summer in France. She was one of the yoga instructors who organized the trip. When Suzanne and I first arrived at the train station in Thiviers, Laurie was with Kevin to pick us up. She had gotten there before us and had done some shopping so we had a lovely light dinner on the front porch of the gite! It was awesome. Laurie is fantastic - she's friendly, intelligent, beautiful, personable and funny as hell! We got to spend some time with her before all the other yogis arrived at the Chateau. And it was a lot of fun. Anyway, Suzanne and I both really enjoyed meeting Laurie and are trying to do things with her on a regular basis.

Both Tim and I are trying to get used to him being home full time. I sometimes feel like he thinks he is still living in a hotel - that someone else will take care of the details for him. Unfortunately, the maid stayed at the hotel. I'm just not interested in going back to those responsibilities full time. I think, in all honesty, that as my kids got older, as I went back to school, etc I was really able to get away from all the cooking and cleaning responsibilities - I don't want them back again. It's like I've been given a break from the mundane tasks of meal preparation after 23 years of doing it...and it's nice. I guess I keep thinking that as time passes, Tim will become more accustomed to being home and start to take on some of the responsibilities...maybe?

All this does, however, make me realize that I am not willing to sit around the house any more. I have become more restless as time has passed. For me, home is where my family is and right now they are scattered all over the country and world. So, I am living in this huge house - using 1/3rd of the space and trying to figure out how to travel. It also makes me realize that, even though I did exactly what I wanted to do by staying home and raising our family, that I maybe sold myself short. I am not financially independent - everything I have is because of what Tim has accomplished. My accomplishments have resulted in absolutely no financial gain or security for our family. So, it's creating a level of frustration in my mind. But, it's also got the wheels spinning. What can I do to contribute to the financial security of our family, how can I begin to create a level of financial independence that doesn't rely on Tim. I have a hard time taking money out of our family coffers to travel to Colombia or Malawi...but I don't have money otherwise. I've got to be creative, I've got to figure out how to make Mango Tree a financial reality...somehow, somewhere. I suppose it gives me something to think about.

Had a great conversation with Josh at ONE yesterday. I think he is going to give us a lot of freedom, a lot of flexibility and some access to people at ONE at a higher level - who are working with the same level of people we are.

I'm excited.

Colonoscopies and Dogs

I had my first colonoscopy on Friday. And, it's true what everyone says - it's not the procedure that's tough, it's getting ready for the procedure that sucks. I had a late lunch on Wednesday - really not that late which was not too good in hindsight - but I had a big salad at around 2 on Wednesday. We made some popcorn later that evening.

Starting Thursday morning I was on clear liquids only. I guess I'm a hog eater - but I was starving all day. I had jello, I had chicken bouillion. Tim even bought me lifesavers - no purple or red. I had the meds the doc required - dulcolax (four pills taken total) and Miralax - 15 capfuls in a liter of water x 2 four taken hours apart. After the first dose of pills and Miralax, nothing happened. Drinking the stuff wasn't too bad - I found out that I do not like it in sweet things - I had it in ginger ale and it was too sweet. But drinking a liter of anything is drinking a lot of stuff - and it all needs to be done relatively quickly. anyway, suffice it to say that after the second dose, things worked just fine. I was able to sleep most of the night, so I wasn't too whipped when I went to the hospital.

I was at the hospital at 8:15 for a 9:30 - they hooked me up to an iv - asked me lots of questions about my general health and then, took me to the procedure room. I was asked to lie on my left side, hooked up to a bp monitor, heart monitors and given oxygen (which at first the lady had turned up so high it was like blowing my nose out). Then the anesthesiologist came in - he told me that the first medicine (was there more than one) might give me a funny taste in my mouth and make my ears ring...about 2 seconds after he administered the drug I was out cold - I think I made a comment like, okay, that's it - I woke up in my own little cubicle with my husband sitting there...no wonder people really like drugs! I asked the doctor and the nurse if I couldn't have some of that medicine to take home with me!!!!!! The colonoscopy was fine - I have a little bit of diverticulitis in my upper colon - no problems though. No polyps, no cancer. I don't have to go back for 7 years!

I was so thirsty and hungry after we were all done. All the time I was not able to eat, I kept wondering if that gnawing feeling you get from being hungry all the time goes away. I don't think it does entirely. i think you just become numb to the pain...We went to Goldbergs Deli - I had a reuben and a coke - a real coke. Then last night I made pasta - fettucine with artichokes, capers, pancetta...it was absolutely delicious.

Now about the dog...my dog has turned into a spontaneous pooper...she no longer can wait to get out to the grass - which is maybe 25 yards from our back door - she just starts pooping in the driveway. It is the funniest thing - and the grossest thing. She will be just walking along and all of a sudden, the tail goes straight out and it starts. We had her on this fancy schmancy dog food from the vet - the last time I went to buy it it cost me $50 for forty pounds - I decided that we needed to do something different. She had been eating this "sensitive stomach" food - Cassie notoriously, remember she's a lab who will eat anything and everything and prefers kitty poops for treats - because she was prone to diarrhea. There's nothing worse than a big dog with bowel issues. Hence the fancy dog food. However, this summer, when I was out of town, Tim and Lesley ran out of dog food on the weekend and we were forced to buy grocery store dog food...she loves it and she has not had a bad reaction to the food at all...except for the spontaneous pooping issue!!!

Anyway, I know this is a fairly gross post - all about bowel movements and stuff but, for some reason, that's where my head is this morning! Tonight we are going to a party to celebrate Finnish Independence. My Finnish friend is making Thai food! We're making a little cake with a Finnish flag on it for her - my husband is a whore for white cake with white frosting and will use any excuse to get me to make one! I think we will just do cupcakes of something! Fortunately, the Finnish flag is easy to make!

Days After

I managed to survive the day yesterday without anyone telling me what to do, how to do it, without anyone telling me what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling - it was amazing!

I share my life with people who feel compelled to tell me how to do things. My mom is probably the worst. We have more little "discussions" on the process of doing things - I do them my way and she wants them done her way. Little things - like what to say to my kids, how to make cornbread. It's astonishing. Then, my husband has decided that he knows how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking...geez, it's amazing. I'm not presumptuous enough to think that I know how anyone feels or thinks...talk to me and then I'll know. I can tell if you're upset about something but not what!

Most of the time I am able to blow it off completely but after 9 days of instructions, I'm done.

I'm prepping today for my colonoscopy tomorrow. Liquid diet - no cream in my coffee. I'm not too happy about the colonoscopy - I don't like the idea of people going in an out place. I'm nervous about anesthesia, and, of course, my Mom has told me some horror stories about some of her friends who have had problems after their procedures. Of course, my husband tells me that I'm being silly! The laxative stuff is supposed to start at 2 - I think I'm going to start it a little earlier - can't hurt and maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight...not happy about this procedure. I've had three c-sections and when I was 18 I had my wisdom teeth surgically removed - had to go to the hospital but I refused to spend the night - my roomies took me home. Otherwise, I've been pretty lucky.

Rain here this afternoon. I'm going to yoga, then to the grocery store and to mail some stuff to Andy. We are working on Christmas gifts to get sent to Lesley. I don't know what to give her.

Mothers

My mom has had a pretty shitty year. She needed arthroscopic knee surgery to correct a problem with some cartilage in her right knee...they discovered she has no acl, that there were microscopic tears in her miniscus...she opted not to have knee replacement because she wants to be able to go skiing with my brother and his kids! Never mind the fact that she hasn't been on skis in about 25 years...she wants to go skiing. She should have had the knee replacement. While she was visiting I realized she can hardly walk at all - stairs are a huge problem, any kind of incline is a problem and she tires very easily. I can't imagine how she expects to ski. She got the orthopedic who did her surgery to fit her with an athletic brace - of course she doesn't use it when she walks. Fortunately she doesn't want to go skiing with my kids so I don't have to tell her I think she's absolutely fucking crazy! I'm going to leave it to my brother!

Around mid June, right after my husband and I returned from Europe with Andy, I talked to Mom and realized that, after she told me she hadn't been out of bed all weekend nor had she eaten all weekend, that she might be sick. I left for Texas a few days after I got home from Europe. Mom was really sick. She had diarrhea, fever and had not been able to keep any food in for a few days. I had called her doctor, got them to get her in, before I managed to get to Texas so they could start to treat her. Long and short of it - someone had authorized a change in her cholesterol medication, she had been taking it since April, and it had a really, really bad effect on her. She had elevated sugar levels, elevated bun and creatinine levels, blood pressure around 80...On the way to her house from the airport I stopped and got two whataburger juniors with japalenos. Mom had been trying to change the sheets on her bed since early in the morning - I arrived about 9:00 and she had not been able to get things in order. I'm glad I got there when I did. I was able to get her to the doctor another time, got her to eat, got the diarrhea under control - stayed for a week. I am worried that she won't realize, if she gets sick like this again, that she is as sick as she is! It scares me.

Then she had a problem with a tumor in her ear. The doctor took it out - had to remove skin from behind her ear because he took a huge hunk out of the inside of her ear. I was not there for that one. I should have been there. She had problems with bleeding, infections...all that shit.

Hurricane Ike was next - she lost power for a week. The day before she got her power back she manually opened the garage door so she could get her car out and she got her finger stuck - the middle finger on her right hand. Crushed it - fractured the entire end of her finger off - fortunately the skin was still intact or she would have severed her finger completely off. That also turned out to be a huge problem...extgreme pain, bleeding and infection! Her fingernail finally came off while she was here visiting - she was really willing to share it with everyone!

Mom has been here since November 23. It's challenging for me because she wants to be with me every second of the day. If she woke up before me she would come upstairs and sit in my office, reading yesterday's paper and watching CNN or MSNBC. As soon as she heard me coming down the stairs she was with me - in the kitchen, in the laundry room, walking the dog, anything I was doing she was doing it with me. Most of the time I don't mind but sometimes...It's really hard to constantly be taking direction for how to do things - specially when it's something you do all the time without direction. I got to go to yoga two days and got two walks in - each time I came home, she mentioned that she didnt' understand why it took me so long to do what I did and why I did it!!!!!! A couple of times she would sit in my office while I was trying to work - talking, asking questions, reading the newspaperout loud to me - there is absolutely no time for me to be alone, to be quiet and to think. I need that time.

She's on a plane back to Houston now. I feel guilty when I wish she wasn't here because I know that one day she won't be here. That's not a pleasant thought and as soon as I think it I push that thought out of my head. I enjoy what I can...ignore most of the stuff that bugs me.

Saturday morning, November 29 - what has happened to the week?!?!?

Mom came on the 23rd, Joe and Andy got home on the 26th. Lesley was not able to come home from Taiwan.

I bought groceries the week before (and some this past week). But, all in all, things went very smoothly - we made pecan pie, cranberry dressing on Tuesday, all the sides and an apple pie on Wednesday. On Thursday morning we made rolls, , blackberry cobbler (which was my birthday cake) and got the turkey in the oven. The turkey was freaking fantastic and had a mind of its own on when it was ready! We kept moving the meat thermometer to gain a little more time! We ate right about when I thought we would...We drank champagne t0 celebrate my birthday and Thanksgiving, then we opened a Sinskey 2005 Four Vineyards Pinot, then a 2007 Poppy...Of course, my dear husband who helped me purchase all the wine we bought in California is convinced that the less expensive wine he buys is better. Pisses me off - why spend money on wine if you don't think it's worth it. He seems determined to prove that less expensive wine he can purchase here is better! Refuses to enjoy the wine we purchased...oh well, guess I will have to do it without him.

We went to see Quantum of Solace in the evening - I loved it. Joe was hot and wiggly the entire evening, Mother talks too loud and sometimes makes inappropriate comments...I may have to go see it alone just to get to really enjoy it...

Yesterday we bought Joe a MacBook - his other computer that Lowry bought him before college died. Joe agreed that it could be part of his Christmas present - a big part.

The boys have hung around only when necessary - for Thanksgiving lunch and movies, etc. Last night they both spent the night out with their friends - Joe and his boys were up at Matt's lake house and Andy and his boys were at Matt's house. I believe Joe, not so sure about Andy. I worry about them both. Joe and his boys drink a lot - the last time they were at Matt's they had a visit by the police who asked them to keep things down! They were lucky they didn't get arrested...Andy, well he has been known to say he's going somewhere and not go there - plus, I'm not so sure he's completely honest about where they are and what they are doing!!! Oh well.

I'm restless and would really really love a nice long workout. I did get a chance to go to yoga yesterday - it was awesome. But, I really need some kind of cardio workout. I'm grumpy and can feel the energy storing up in me...not a good thing. Plus, I can see and feel it in my reactions to others. Too much energy.

Gotta run.

Lazy Sunday

I finally got some sleep but have been tossing and turning every night.

Tim has been sick all weekend. He leaves tonight for a day, home tomorrow night. I leave on Wednesday for the night, home Thursday.

The weather has been crummy - rainy, windy and now cold. I need to go for a walk so I think I will just suck it up, put on some extra clothes and head out the door. I waited until 10 to go figuring it would be warmer but, the joke's on me - it has gotten colder and windier. I suppose I could just go to the gym but I don't want to walk inside. So, I'm headed out.

We went to our friend Christine Stokke's new exhibit opening at Two Doors Art Gallery - her new exhibit features mannequins - they are very lovely. Great colors and depth. After her exhibit we went to the Horstman's for a "tailgate" party. Their son who is in college at University of Kentucky plays intramural hockey and they were in town for hockey games against KSU. Since Tim hasn't been feeling too good, we came home around 9 when Horstmans were getting ready to go to the hockey games. The games start late - at 10!!!!!

No fabulous insights. No fabulous words of wisdom.

Sleep?

Either it's the full moon or it's the fact that my hubby snores like crazy or that I have been so energized by the people around me and the work we do...

I haven't slept in two days...maybe about 10 hours since Wednesday!

I'm tired.

Coldplay and CEO's and CDC

Went to see Coldplay again on Tuesday night - I have now seen them the same number of times I have seen U2 - I like U2 a lot more. Coldplay is a good band - Chris Martin is fun to watch and they are all incredibly musical - and that is absolutely amazing! When we were leaving we saw the Suburbans right underneath where we were walking that were waiting for the band, there were only a few people waiting and we honestly toyed with the idea of going down to meet the band. It gave me the giggles though - I can't imagine the band's response when they come out the door to go to their cars and there are a couple of old ladies waiting for them!!!!! Even so, I did have on a very cool red sequin t-shirt!

My friend Kristi wants to go into the t-shirt business - she has a graphic designer and I have the edunLIVE connection...would be so fun! I want to do Mango Tree shirts but have absolutely no artistic talent so I would need somebody creative to help me. I want to pursue it...

Went to TaiChi yesterday and had a very interesting experience! We did our movement stuff and during the meditation, our teacher mentioned a couple of things that really resonated with me. We were working with our chakras, the third chakra (I think) the heart. What stuck with me is that the heart is the middle spot between our physicalness and our spiritualness. It is through our humanity (or humanness) that we come to our spirituality! Interesting! Next Shane told us to open our hearts - to open up to being vulnerable...before I could even process the words, I said NO - no way I'm going to open myself up to vulnerability! It was really strange - the quickness of the response, the immediacy of the response. Shane told me that I should really explore that feeling - I may, I may not. I don't tend to dwell too much in the past. For me, the experiences of the past have helped me to be the person I am today - for better or worse. It is what is!

My husband came home yesterday - Wednesday. For the past 14 months he has been commuting weekly from Atlanta to Philly. He hates travel and is a constantly reminding me of how much he hates travel! I have started to get used to doing my own thing lately - living alone is an interesting experience - I have spent the last 23 years raising a family, blah, blah, blah. So, it's really challenging to learn to be alone! I've never liked being alone - always enjoy people around, not that I need to take care of others, I just like people and noise in my daily life. I have learned to occupy myself at night, developed some good friendships and really enjoyed having no restrictions - except of course for my dog who thinks she is really a rooster! The first words from my hubby: "Do we have any soup left?, geez, I didn't sleep last night at all, geez, I don't feel good." Then the clincher - I was going to a meeting last night - "what are you fixing for dinner?" You've got to be kidding!?! This may be a very interesting transition!

Went to a meeting with the CARE Global Connections group last night. Our guest speaker was Charlie Stokes - the director of the CDC Foundation. He describes his efforts as a grasstops initiative. His rolodex is amazing - he can call this person for 500 phones to help rescue and relief efforts in China and he can call that person to leverage his senator to get $1.7 billion for new buildings. It's pretty amazing! But the bottom line to creating change isn't your rolodex - it's your commitment to education and to building relationships. The CDC Foundation operates at a level I don't want to achieve. But they are able to do some good things at that level.

But the part of this discussion that stuck with me is the issue of bed nets! The CDC Foundation does some work with bed nets - they sell them for $5 and then distribute them where they are needed. CARE sells bed nets for $10 which they also distribute where needed. I think it costs about $1.50 to make a bed net. I felt like these two organizations were using lifesaving bed nets to make a profit for themselves! This reall really bothers me!

Here's the deal: We haven't had malaria in the US since World War 2. It's entirely preventable and entirely treatable. Why are people still dying? There's just no sense to me. We know how to stop malaria, we know how to prevent malaria yet - we have the technology and the ability yet people are still dying. Yet our worldwide organizations are offering a bandaid to stem the flow of malaria. If there were to be an outbreak of malaria in the US, would we rely on bed nets to save us or to control the epidemic. No, we wouldn't. I know we wouldn't. So, why is it okay for others? But what pisses me off more, I can't do a freaking thing about it. What can I do to make this stop, how can I make this stop!???

Going to yoga and then working on social entrepreneurship!

Daily Horoscope

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)

Your inner wild child may pop out today at an inopportune time, but it will be fine.

Section 1: How You Approach Life and How You Appear To Others

You are very strong-willed and proud, but intensely private
and not easy to know well. Behind your quiet exterior lies a
great deal of emotional depth, sensitivity, complexity, and also
fierce determination. When you want something you go after it
rather quietly but insistently and wholeheartedly - and you
usually get it.

Section 2: The Inner You: Your Real Motivation

You are a gambler and an adventurer at heart, one who loves
to take risks, to discover and explore new worlds, and to take
the untried path rather than the safe, reliable one. You are an
independent soul, freedom-loving, and often very restless. You
need a lifestyle that provides opportunities for travel,
movement, change, and meeting new people. A steady routine which
offers much in the way of security but little in the way of space
and freedom is odious to you.


I always read the comics, the obituaries and my horoscope. Today, the above is what came up as my horoscope. Then, there was this link to get a "reading." My reading is above.

The End is Near

It looks like the end of the CEO World Tour is finally coming! Tim is wrapping up his 14 month stint traveling weekly to Philadelphia. It's a complicated story but he will technically still be an employee through January. He will be working primarily from home with a few trips interspersed in between.

Tim doesn't really like to be away from home as much as he has been. It's what he agreed to do when he took the job but it's been challenging for him. So, in order to make his job/commute somewhat easierI've worked hard to make sure that when Tim comes home on Thursday nights that I'm available for the weekend - no stress, no agenda. Most of the time, we stay home because Tim's been gone all week, we eat at home, drink our own wine. Sometimes we have friends over. And, for the most part, it's been fun.

How do I feel about this? Really, pretty good! It will be the first time in our 26 year marriage that we have spent this much time together. Lesley was born after three years and then within five years we had three children. We were busy, busy, busy! Early in our marriage, when our kids were young, Tim was home every night. When he left private practice and went corporate, he really started traveling a lot. So, we've lived like everyone else with partners traveling. When Tim took a year off before, I was in school, very busy. So, while he won't be home everyday all the time, things will begin to look a little more normal for us. There's no kids home so the time will just be for us and whatever projects we are working on. Weird!

Except for, I've almost gotten used to having my time and space from Monday-Thursday. The hardest time for me is always the evenings. I'm used to the kids being gone all day but when it's 6:30 and it's dark, I'm ready for bed! So, I've worked hard to establish a "schedule" for myself - no tv before 8, read, walk, work out. Most importantly, I have some good friends that I really enjoy doing things with. It's been a lot of fun. I go out for dinner during the week, go for lunch - no one to answer to but myself.

Transitions are interesting. It will be nice to have a full time mate but it will take some getting used to!

Gonna go walk!

Closer

I must be hormonal - I'm 53 almost 54 and hormones seem to be the theme of the age. It's like I've been on the verge of tears all day - happy tears, peaceful tears, lonely tears...I didn't know there were so many thoughts and feelings in me that could all come out in only one day. I feel so all over the place! I noticed it today first in yoga. It was such a good practice and felt so good. But a couple of times I found myself thinking "yoga is saving my life." A kind of weird thought. Then as I was driving home, I had turned on the CD player in my car and, surprise, a U2 song came on - "One Step Closer" from HTDAAB:

One Step Closer

I’m ‘round the corner from anything that’s real
I’m across the road from hope
I’m under a bridge in a rip tide
That’s taken everything I call my own

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing

I’m on an island at a busy intersection
I can’t go forward, I can’t turn back
Can’t see the future
It’s getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing

I’m hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing

And, it was like the world around me went away...there was no traffic, it was so quiet all around me. Maybe it was just me...it was the weirdest feeling. Just so peaceful...

Had a surprise invitation to see Coldplay last night. Kristi called last night and asked if I wanted to go. I hmmmed and hawed, but I decided to go. I'm glad I did It's been a while since I've been to a concert and apparently I had forgotten how much I love live music! The show was a little loose, a little muddled at times, Chris Martin totally lost it a few times but it was fun to see a band I don't know too much about. I found myself comparing Coldplay to U2...not even close. But they have a little Brian Eno influence and when they go into that full, round, big sound, I love it. It's just so full and satisfying, so rich. Makes me want to see U2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I slept until 5:30 this morning. A little early to get up so I laid in bed and did some stretches...got up aboout 6:30. Cassie was glad to see me. Bethany had come over to walk her last night while I was out and when I got home Cassie didn't even want to get up. So, I let her sleep...I was going to skip yoga this morning so I could take care of details around the house. I had to mail stuff to Lesley and wanted to make sure I got Joe's card in the mail. He won't get it by tomorrow but after he has such a difficult week maybe getting it late will be okay. I know Mom sent him something, Dad sent him something and he got the humidore that Tim and I sent him.

Will Smith was on Oprah today (I know, I know) and he said something that is really resonating with me...he said he doesn't do anything anymore that doesn't have meaning for him. I'm there, I'm there!

I'm whacked out today - don't know why but I am.

Busy yesterday - yoga, Pattersons to work on grant with Mark (and, of course, to see Baby Claire - who is just a complete hoot!), dinner with my hubby and an old friend from Alabama. I didn't drink last night, at all.

Got home from dinner and on going through the mail found Andy's midterm grades - 4 A's and 3 C's...Tim flipped out, got on the phone and had a very serious discussion with Andy. Andy said the comp teacher had made a mistake that was now corrected, that his computer class was really hard and that he had no idea what was going on in his freshman seminar or his oral communications class. Tim made him promise to talk with his teachers and call him today - Andy did, he talked with his freshman seminar and oral comm teacher - Andy reported to Tim that his teacher said she really liked to hammer the kids first half of the semester so that they understood they were in college (?) and that she had no doubts he would do great in her class! Weird attitude and thing to say - in a way I agree but in a way I don't.

I'm worried about Joe - no word from him today on the status of the issues with his fraternity brothers having their house broken into and getting beaten up (along with their girlfriends). Joe is stressed out - he's pretty sensitive and, of course, if Joe's stressed so am I.

I'm so anxious and worried, did I mention that I was anxious and worried! I didn't sleep Sunday night, I didn't sleep last night - tossing and turning - first one way, then the next. Sleeping on my back, then my right side, then my left back and forth all night...I wanted to take a nap this afternoon so bad but I decided against it. Figuring since I was tired that if I didn't sleep this afternoon, and since I don't have anything going on tonight I can relax...I'm hoping for sleep and hoping that Joe is okay, hoping that Andy does well in school...all things I cannot control. If I don't sleep tonight I need to try something different - more exercise maybe...unbelieavable.

I voted today and was absolutely giddy about it. I remember the 1972 elections - I missed the election by about 20 days. It was Nixon and McGovern. Our society was in turmoil and civil unrest was the norm for the day, every day. Riots, student protests...I have lived through tumultuous times! I've voted in every presidential election since 1976. But, as Tim and I stood in line this morning (we only had to wait about 20 minutes) I was absolutely excited about the possibility of getting to vote. Tim thought I was absolutely goofy - I left the house at about 7:30 to go check the lines. Then I stopped to get biscuits. Came home, ate and finally drove Tim crazy enough so that he agreed we could go vote at about 8:30! It was so fun! I voted, Tim voted and then we went to Starbucks for a free coffee. I tried to talk Tim into going to Krispy Kreme for free donuts but he wouldn't go! Oh well! I didn't need the caffeine or the sugar.

I was particularly moved by this election process. It was exciting, it was contentious, young people have become motivated and have become engaged in the election. It is time for change - what's that line from an old song - "revolution in the air." I read as much as I could, listened to as many thoughts and theories as I could. But, for me, in my newly found BA of International Affairs I thought about people who don't have the right to vote, who may never know what it is like to live in a society where this process occurs, where a smooth transition of power occurs with regularity. Our system is flawed in so many ways, however, our democratic process is still effective. So many people are voting this time for the very first time - adults - who have never felt their voice would be heard, even if they voted. We the people of the United States believe that we can make a difference in our political system and we are using our vote to do it. I'm not naive, just optimistic.

Then I came home and crashed. I had allowed myself the entire day to vote - worried that the lines would be ridiculously long... and when we were done so quickly, I just hit the wall! Weird!

I putzed around the house, messed with things here and there but had no focus and no desire to do anything worthwhile. I worked on the computer, sent some emails.

The days are so short now - it's dark by 6! I hate it. Means I have more hours to try and fill with things. I guess tonight I will watch the election results, maybe some reruns...and hope, cross my fingers, for sleep.

Weirdness

Halloween was Friday. In our neighborhood on October 1, we start a thing called "ghosting." People drop treats off at your door, ring the door bell and then run away (ding dong ditch). Part of the treats left behind is a laminated ghost that you're supposed to put on your door. The ghost is supposed to signal to the kids trick or treating that you are participating in trick or treating! No one ghosted our house this year! I had to ghost myself - fortunately, I had a ghost left over from previous years so on Halloween, I put it on my door! I didn't carve a pumpkin this year either! The first time in 23 years! I suck!

I met with the gastroenterologist last week. We scheduled my colonoscopy for December 5. I think it will be interesting. Fortunately, I don't think I have problems, neither does the doctor

We met with Phil Johnston on Wednesday morning. Phil is doing a project in Colombia with FARC orphans. He's worked for CARE, USAID - and more, he's lived all over the world. He's a great guy - reminded me of my Uncle Vic - about 6'3, balding, with a little bit of a tremor. But his experience and background are invaluable for us. It was neat to meet him. The Pattersons came over for the meeting. They're so awesome. Without them none of this would happen.

We're trying to write grants. I don't have a clue how to put one together...I mean, I understand the physical mechanics but in terms of how to describe outcome measures, I'm lost. We worked at Pattersons on Wednesday night but after a bottle of wine, what I had on my notes pages was not what we needed. Funny thing though is that both Mark and I were taking notes and neither one of us had anything "specific." We're working today to finish a rough draft. I'm going to get this done, I'm going to figure this grant writing thing out. Takes me a while to get in the "academic" writing mode!!!!!!! But, I'm the one who has the time, I just need to figure out how to put my thoughts into something concrete! I suck!

Tim came home on Thursday - he's tired, sick and it appears he's going to be going through a job transition. Whatever he needs to do is fine with me! He's the one who goes to work every day, not me! He needs to be happy with what he is doing! I'd love to be able to retire sooner rather than later! But, not yet!

Saturday I had the opportunity to meet Sam Daley Harris who is the founder of not only RESLTS but the Microfinance Credit Summit Campaign - they meet once a year to discuss microcredit. He was a very nice man and I enjoyed hearing him speak. I like RESULTS and he liked the partnership with ONE and RESULTS here in Atlanta! I'm thrilled. We are working to get ONE moving forward. Sam has a Mango Tree Foundation business card in his pocket - he may throw it away, but at least he knows we exist.

We had friends over for dinner on Saturday. It was fun. I drank too much wine. We finished the evening with a Darioush Syrah! OMG! I ordered four more bottles yesterday. But, yesterday I was so tired. I just can't do the drinking thing any more. But the wine was so good. tim is really funny in that he doesn't want to share our wine with anyone! It's hard. I know there's good wine in the basemnent so why would we buy any other kind of wine! Tim's determined to save it! Oh well, I guess we'll just figure it out!

Lesley called and she sounds awesome! Joe's having some issues in that some of his frat brothers were attacked and beat up. Andy's remains barely communicative. My mom is still struggling with her finger. No one has talked to Daddy lately!

RED and Starbucks and November 27

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Starbucks Joins (RED) to Help Save Lives in Africa

Starbucks and (RED) today announced a multi-year partnership that will give coffee lovers a chance to do good every day.

Throughout the holiday season, Starbucks will contribute five cents from the sale of any of (Starbucks) RED Exclusive beverage (the three beverages that make up the Starbucks popular holiday trio) at all of their US and Canadian stores to the Global Fund to invest in AIDS programs in Africa.

“(RED) is making remarkable progress in the worldwide effort to address AIDS in Africa,” said Howard Schultz, Starbucks chairman, president and CEO. “We have a deep partnership with coffee growing regions in Africa. We are proud to partner with our customers to contribute toward an AIDS-free Africa.”

Schultz joined Bono, co-founder of (RED), for today’s announcement in front of 10,000 Starbucks partners (employees) at the company's 2008 Leadership Conference in New Orleans.

“(RED) is coming to a corner near you thanks to Starbucks. I’m very excited to be able to say that,” said Bono, co-founder of (RED). “The business of Starbucks with roots in Africa and branches all over the world is an ideal fit for (RED). It’s pretty mind-blowing to think that millions of people can buy (RED) going about their daily lives and in doing so raise millions of dollars to fight AIDS in Africa. That’s not a bad hit from your caffeine.”

(Starbucks) RED Exclusive Holiday beverages go on sale November 27, 2008 and continue through January 2, 2009.

posted by Max at 2:56 PM 6 comments links to this post


So cool - it's my birthday, my favorite rockstar/activist and one of my favorite companies!!!

I just know they started it on November 27 in my honor!!!!! Okay, so I'm a little delusional...or, "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell..."

Ha, ha.

Down Blankets

It's been cold here the last few days. I've had the heat on and off over the last few days. But, I finally have had to add the down blanket!

When my husband and I first got married in 1982, we had a queen size bed and the queen size bed linens that went with it. Including the down comforter. It was a nice comforter, nothing fancy but functioned and kept us warm during the Minnesota winters. As is normal and usual for me, I don't typically think about replacing something until it physically breaks. Even when we bought a king size bed, I figured the queen size comforter still worked - we didn't sleep down the sides of the bed so I didn't figure we needed a whole lot of extra width...

So, last year when I finally realized that my down comforter was really leaking what was left of its down, I decided to buy a new down comforter. The Company Store in LaCrosse, Wisconsin makes fabulous down comforters. All different price points, all different weights...I was so excited. I bought a medium weight down comforter for a king size bed. Again, I was so excited! That comforter is fabulous - it is large, covers my bed and me and the hubby but it is so hot!!!!!
Everytime I put that comforter on my bed I end up sweating. I eliminated some of the other covers on my bed thinking that would make a temperature difference...but I am still sweating.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night, freezing, so I reached for the down blanket. And, when I woke up this morning I wasn't sweating!!!!!

Ahhhh, the important things in a day.

Going to the pool for a run in the pool, gastroenterologist at 3:30 - need to get a colonoscopy, Not for Sale Campaign tonight at 7:30.

Not Much

I woke up this morning at 2:22. Yes, that's right 2:22 A.M. I always have a bit of a panic when I wake up like that - like, what's happening, is something wrong...I lay there awake for about an hour and finally was able to fall back asleep. But then again I woke up at 5:50...Tim was supposed to be up at 6:00 - so I woke him up and got up. Made coffee, took the dog out, took the garbage out and am waiting for the sun to come up at least sort of so I can go for a walk.

I'm not looking forward to the shortening daylight. I really hate the darkness and feel like I have to hibernate. I'm forcing myself to try to find things to do in the evenings. I refuse to sit in my house and watch television all night.

I'm worried...worried about whether the wind will blow my leyland cypress trees over; about whether or not Lesley is doing okay with her teaching job in Taiwan; how Andy is doing with his class work and his music; how long I'll have to wait before I can make Andy's reservations and how much it's going to cost me to pay for Andy to come home for Thanksgiving; worried about Tim and the deal he's in the middle of! I'm worried about the economy, worried about my American Express wine bill (!!!!!!!!) and, so many other things. The thing, I can't do anything about any of those things - frustrating but real!

Weekend was okay - just okay. Cold and rainy on Friday - Tim was home and we stuck around the house reading and working. I did go to yoga and it was awesome. Saturday some errands and then light dinner on the deck...then, Tim turned on the tv and it was all over. By 8:30 I was ready for bed!!!!!!!!!! I hate that. Sunday I went shopping, Tim played tennis. I'm reading a fabulous book - The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo - spent most of the day yesterday in the book. Only a little more but it has been a fun read.

Walk this morning - only 2 miles - but maybe it will clear my head, yoga and maybe lunch with Suzanne, maybe meeting with partners on Mango Tree. Tomorrow ONE meeting with Kristi, Not for Sale Campaign meeting tomorrow night. Wednesday meeting with Phil, Pattersons.

Nuff said, I guess.

Bono and Thursday

http://www.one.org/blog/2008/10/23/video-bono-speaks-at-ca-women%E2%80%99s-conference/

I have no idea how to put that link in without putting the whole damned thing in so, sorry.

Listen, to all five parts. This man is such an inspiration to those of us involved in the movement to eliminate poverty. He reminds me of why I do what I do, why what we do is important. He makes me laugh and he makes me cry. Such a tender, passionate, articulate man.

By far one of the most amazing speeches I have heard him make...and, I listen to a lot.

I've had an amazing week. Monday evening I had dinner with friends - one of them wants to set up a group of women to talk about Mango Tree and the promise of empowering women. Awesome. Yesterday I met a lady who owns her own business making bags out of recycled clothing from Maya women in Guatemala. She is going to introduce me to some of her friends who are working to empower women. She also sent me the email address for a gentleman who is actively working in Colombia - he rescues children from FARC! He is based in Atlanta and travels to Colombia regularly. Amazing! Then, last night, a friend of mine sent me an email telling me that she is interested in making regular contributions from her jewelry business to Mango Tree!

I think this is really, really going to happen. I am so thrilled to know that people believe in us, in me. That they trust me with their money to help people who need help to make their way in the world.

Awesome, awesome stuff.

Walking and Thinking

Took my dog with me on my morning walk...she is so slow and when we get about half way she is finished. I don't think I will take her with me anymore for the whole walk. I will do my walk, stop and get her and take her for a half mile. We did walk about 2.5 miles.

I had my ipod with me as I walked. Started with a little Amy Winehouse, had some U2, Bob Marley, Glen Hansard, Mark Knopfler.

My husband and I have an ongoing discussion on music. He listens to a lot of women vocalists. To me they all sound the same. After a few songs I think they all start to sound the same, I can't tell who's who...most sound whiny to me, he's got a few screechers but none of the women "vocal masturbators." I find that I prefer men's voices - love Bono, Mark Knopfler, Van Morrison, James Hunter, Mick Jagger, the kid who sings for the Arctic Monkeys...the lead singer for the Devlins, Eddie Vedder, and many more...I never get them confused. Never. In fact, I don't think anyone would confuse Bono for Eddie Vedder or Van Morrison for Mark Knopfler. They don't whine, they don't screech and mostly they don't do that vocal masturbation thing. I do like a few of the women - Amy Winehouse, a little Norah Jones (although after about four songs I feel like I need a nap). Just like after too much Neil Young, everybody needs antidepressants!

I wonder if it's a male/female thing - women prefer men's voices and men prefer women's voices, you know, sort of a primal thing...

I put my ipod on random but find myself moving to those voices I prefer...I'm thinking of a playlist of "My Men." Ha, ha!

Playing tennis today. Last match of the season. I'm glad it's over but I've enjoyed playing. What I find interesting is that the level we are playing allows me to make so many errors and still win easily. Last week was the first week I was challenged - but only because I played so bad, and my partner played so bad too! We won but had to play three stupid sets. It was nice outside, a little too windy. Today I play with one of my favorite partners. We have a lot of fun together and that's what I'm all about on the tennis court.

CARE event on Friday was awesome. We had an alumni event for SMU here on Thursday then the CARE thing on Friday. I was so whipped yesterday that it was absolutely awesome to just sit around and do not much. I was starving yesterday. Probably because I hadn't eaten on Friday!

Drank one of our Napa bottles of wine last night - Hagafen Prix Reserve Napa/Sonoma Syrah. It was absolutely delicious. It opened up really nicely and was so flavorful. Loved it.

Busy, busy, busy.

Andy came home from college on Saturday for fall break - he arrived at about 4 p.m. but we didn't get to see him until around 8:30. Reminded me of how much I hate waiting around for people to show up and not having a clue what's going on. It was good to see him. He is enjoying college, making friends, making good grades, singing and doing his music thing. It's awesome. He left Tuesday. I had to take him to the airport about 2.5 hours early so I could go work at the Study Abroad Fair. I'm glad I went to the study abroad fair and it was generous of Andy to be willing to go to the airport early. He got to the Twin Cities around 3 and had to wait for three more hours at the airport for his friend/roommate Nick to pick him up.

I miss going to school. I miss the interaction and the exchange of ideas. It's stressful at exam time but it is amazing to be mentally engaged. Plus, I think I really miss the structure, meeting someone else's deadlines. Oh well. I should try to figure out how to do that for myself. I'm trying to find funding for my nonprofit, right!?

Joe came in Tuesday evening. He brought his fraternity brother, Carl. I fixed them spaghetti and bolognese sauce, salad and bread. We opened one of the bottles of Luna Sangiovese (not the reserve) and sat out on the deck. Yesterday we took Carl to the airport, then Joe and I went to the "new" world of Coke. Then came home for wine deliveries, this time I didn't miss them, and we went to Target for another wine refrigerator. Found one that was less expensive than the one Tim and I bought the other day...The wine bottles are all different shapes so it is hard to fit them all into the cooler. I'm even having to mix reds and whites!

Going to yoga today, trying to get ready for the SMU Alumni event tonight at our home. Tim doesn't get home until 5:00. I think people start arriving then! Oh well. At least I have something pretty concrete to do today. I should be studying for my French class tomorrow!!!!!

Ah, such is life.

Quick and Random

Napa Valley was awesome. We traveled October 2-7. Tim came home on the 1st, washed clothes, took clothes to the cleaners and we left about noon on the 2nd! Quick turnaround.

Coman's met us at the airport - their flight arrived about fifteen minutes ahead of us. We picked up the rental car and went into San Francisco for dinner at a great little place called Tadich's. I had a martini and oysters - the oysters were not raw - creole, curried and rockefeller! Great stuff. We drove out to our hotel. We stayed in the town of Sonoma - at the Lodge of Sonoma - a Marriott property. It was nice but way too expensive for the amount of time we spent in the hotel!

First day (Friday) we started out about 8:30 and went to the Napa vineyards of Sterling, Markham, Martini, Cakebread, Heitz, Merryvale, Sattui, Black Stallion and Peju. Breakfast at Basque Boulangerie, lunch at Oakville Grocery and dinner at Cindy's Backstreet Kitchen. Bought wine at Martini, Cakebread, Merryvale - I think.

Second day (Saturday) we started out taking a hike in Muir Woods then went to some more vineyards in Napa. Visited Luna, Darioush, Hagafen. Bought wine at all of them. Breakfast at Basque Boulangerie, lunch at some deli on the way to Luna, dinner at Go Fish - great sushi rolls.

Sunday we went to Sonoma - Sonoma Sunday! Started out at Chalk Hill, then went up to Ferraro Carano, Zichichi Family Vineyards and Quivira. Finished up at Benziger. Had private tastings/appoiintments at Benziger and Chalk Hill. It was pretty cool. We bought wine at Ferraro, Zichichi and Quivira. Food for the day - breakfast at this really cool croissant place, lunch at Oakville in Healdsburg Went into Napa for dinner at a restaurant that had been written up on some travel site but didn't like the way it looked. So we went to 25 Brix in Napa - it was great. I had mussels and they were in this amazing tomato, garlic and sausage sauce. Good stuff.

Monday Tim had to leave early. We had breakfast at Sunflower Cafe and dropped Tim at the hotel. Then we went to an 11 at Duckhorn (fabulous) - wine and cheeses. Then down to Stags Leap, Robert Sinskey - lunch at Oakville then to Robert Sinskey (great pinots). After Sinskey we met Rick Thornberry at Luna so he could lead the way up to his home. Rick is a friend of Steve's. We went up to his house, which was spectacular, and met his wife and had some hor d'ouevres and tasted his private Cabernet! It was an amazing way to end the evening. We were an hour late for our dinner reservation at Carneros (the restaurant in our hotel). Of course none of us were really hungry so we had salads...it was just what I needed.

Tuesday morning, up early and off to the airport. I got home 9ish that night. No one was home - no kids, no husband and no dog.

Picked Cassie up on Wednesday afternoon. She had a really tough time at the vet. She got very sick - vomiting and diarrhea. Sad and frustrating.

Gotta take shower and get ready for French lessons...

Yoga

I completely understand that I am not an advanced yogi, or even an intermediate yogi! In the back of my mind, I think I want to be really good, advanced and taking on more challenging poses, more flexible, stronger, better able to make my breath work for me. But I know too that I'm not supposed to be competitive in yoga and that I should listen to my body and not force things. I try to, I really do. I focus on the basic poses and continuing to breathe while I am in those poses, I focus on listening to my body and trying to let it do what it can.

But, sometimes that mental part of me gets frustrated. Today I got frustrated. I took an Intermediate class - and there were so many things I could not do. I cannot bind my hands behind my back and bend over and lift my arms up off my back - just not a physical reality. I can sort of do eagle arms on one side when we go left over right but I am so minimally in the pose when I do right over left...I have no idea how to do crow, I have to support myself in pigeon. Today's not the first day I've realized what my physical limitations in yoga are.

The problem is that I don't want to get frustrated. I have to take that thinking out of my head because in the long run it will completely limit my practice. But, do I give up attending the intermediate class for something that is comfortable or do I persevere and hope, that my body opens up and I am able to do more of the poses. At the beginning of every class you have to set an intention for that class - maybe I need to think of just listening to my breathing and my body! I suppose child's pose of downward facing dog are always good places to retreat to.

Such problems to have to think about.

Tim comes home tomorrow night. I'm excited.

I'm going to hear Greg Mortenson tomorrow night - he wrote Three Cups of Tea. Great story and great read. I saw him a few years ago at the Carter Center - right after his book was published. That's where I met the people who were involved with Pedals for Progress!

Monday

I had such a disappointing weekend! I was supposed to leave very early Saturday morning to go see Joe in Salem. But, there is no gas. My friends called relatives who live in Charlotte which is about half way to Salem from Atlanta and they said there was no gas, that they were having the same sort of issues we are having here...so I worried that I would get stuck somewhere - particularly north of Charlotte where there are only small towns with small gas stations. I called Joe, who was at the movies, we exchanged text messages - me apologizing and him assuring me that it was all okay. We made plans for me to go to Salem the last weekend in October. They are having "Piketoberfest." Should be fun.

When I realized I wasn't going to be going to Salem I sent an email to the tennis team captains telling them my plans had changed and telling them that if they needed me to play I was available. Jennifer said yes, Peggy said no - she was satisfied with the line-up; they lost.

I have been on a shopping spree. I hate shopping and that is all I have done for the last week or so. Shopping for this or that. I've bought pants, new t-shirts, a dress, a new jean jacket, some shoes, therabands and resistance bands to train at home; I still need a belt. It's madness. I think it's a combination of just damned bored and loneliness. I need to exercise a little self control. However, I think I'm done for the rest of the year - except for maybe a few long sleeved t-shirts.

The Horstman's rescued me on Saturday and invited me up for dinner - I took the wine (2 pinot noirs, a Bergerac and a "dry" reisling. The pinots were good, the Bergerac was good and we poured the Reisling out! It was so unbelievable sweet neither Sirpa or I could stand it. I can't remember the last time I poured a bottle of wine out! We had steaks, asparagus, grilled tomatoes and potatoes. It was lovely. I took Cassie and she and Cocoa had a great time running around the yard and being pretty silly dogs. Cassie was so tired all day yesterday. It was awesome.

Sunday was tennis match day (after I went shopping I went to cheer on the team) and book club. At the tennis match, Julie Thomas told me she had a bone to pick with me about how much Rebecca and I talked at the tennis lessons!!!!!!!! At first I didn't think she was serious then I realized she was and I was so flabbergasted I couldn't respond. I told her I thought Rebecca was very professional and that she ran a great practice. Anyway, I saw Rebecca later that evening and told her what Julie said - Rebecca wasn't sure who Julie was, then she said that the only time she and I had talked was during pick-up!

Book club was boring - there were only three of us. We read the Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde. I enjoyed the book, but didn't read every word of it. The language was very, very British (as can be imagined) and sometimes it was difficult. But, by the last five chapters I was completely hooked. I'm actually going to finish the book today. Since no one was there we didn't pick a book for the next month. The EC book club has a low commitment level - a lot of people never read the book, a lot never come. But, for the other book club I just was able to join, we are reading Twilight (one book in a series of four) designed for the tweens. It should be an interesting read. After that we are reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

I was going to walk this morning before yoga but I have walked the last two mornings - one a death march with the dog - and my heels are really hurting. It's yoga day, yippee! I need to stop by Publix and get some Splenda on the way down to yoga so afterwards I can mail Lesley her Luna bars and Splenda. I'm trying a new place for shipping - FedEx in the Fresh Market shopping center. I want to see if the UPS store is ripping me off...I suspect they are but you never know.

Must go shower and start, somehow to sort out my recent purchases and get going on the day. If there is ever gas available I am going to drive Lesley's car!

Finally Friday

It's finally Friday. I'm adjusting to being alone, I guess. I am really trying to space my activities out over the entire day. I'm used to having people around in the evening so I find myself at 7 trying to figure out what to do for the rest of the evening. I have been taking the dog for a walk - last night our walk was too short. But, I refuse to turn on the television until 8 - even then if I go to bed at 10 then I am watching tv for 3 hours!!!! Not a good plan. I am going to learn to be selective on what I watch - I will read or watch a movie instead of just random tv! That's my resolution.

Today I have French at 10 - there appears to be constant confusion on when I am going to be at my French lessons - Bunny called last night to ask if I was going to be there today because Suzanne told her I wasn't going to be coming in. So, yes I am going to be at French today, not there next week and then I should be in class for the rest of the series, at least for right now.

I am also going to go to Mountain View swimming pool to try and figure out what their schedule is - I want to run in the pool today and maybe swim a few laps. I am determined to start swimming and to do more in the pool but for some reason I am intimidated by the whole process. Freaks me out.

I have also decided to try Ursula's 7:00 a.m. wake-up yoga class. I will have to get up really early, take care of the dog and head out by 6:20. That's on Wednesday mornings.

So, here's my schedule:
Monday: Yoga at 10:00 with Ursula at Peachtree, walk at 7:00
Tuesday: Yoga at 10:00 at Plum Tree
Wednesday: Yoga at 7:00 a.m. with Ursula at Peachtree, swim
Thursday: Yoga at 10:00 with Ursula at Peachtree, walk at 7:00
Friday: French lessons at 10:00 with Bunny at Cafe de Paris, swim, tennis lessons
Saturday: LA Fitness (?)
Sunday: Walk, tennis...

I purchased some resistance bands at the sporting goods store yesterday. I want to do the upper body exercises and the lower body with the rings. I also want to do sit ups and push ups on the ball.

Tomorrow I go to Roanoke to see Joe. I was able to find gas this morning - I went out at 6:30 to make sure I could find some so I could at least get out of Atlanta tomorrow morning. But, I had to put regular in the car. Figure that if I put super premium unleaded and regular it evened out to premium unleaded.

Work and Friends

My husband asked me what I did yesterday and I told him I worked. He asked me "at what?" Funny guy.

We had a very productive afternoon session with Mango Tree. We are working on a power point that we will take on our "dog and pony" show when we start asking for money to fund projects. It was a lot of fun. The power point is coming along very nicely and I'm thrilled. Lynn does such a good job of putting ideas down on paper. I was totally excited because I had been watching the opening plenary of the Clinton Global Initiative and heard the leaders of the world discsuss collaboration, coordination of efforts, working with the youth (which is a weird thing to say), the need for capacity building and what a great time it is to invest in the developing world. So, I had some thoughts on what we needed to put in the power point. Lynn put them in! And Baby Claire, she just kept us giggling - such a great baby and now becoming her very own little person.

We've gotten the go ahead to travel to Colombia in January - so exciting. I can't wait to meet the women at Yo Mujer and to see how we can assist them in the efforts to help the women they work with. In December we are trying to meet with the folks at Africa Bags to see what kind of work they are doing, if we like them, and if we want to do business with them. Before we can go out there, though, I need to do a lot more research on fruit drying initiatives in Africa. They're talking bananas, great option, and we're talking mangos. This is so exciting. I keep wanting to pinch myself to make sure this is all real. I keep thinking about how I got here and realize that it is because of a shift in my thought processes - from what I had to do because I should to what I can do because I want to...life transforming...of course, that and two really good friends who have allowed me to explore the possibilities of making change in the world.

I got home and went down to Club 191 in downtown Atlanta for a CARE Advocacy meeting. Kristi Wooten and I are going to be co-chair district leaders for our legislative district. Our representative is Tom Price. We will be responsible for arranging quarterly meetings with Representative Price on the issues of CARE and, for us, ONE. Kristi and I also co-chair the Atlanta ONE initiative. We heard two speakers at the meeting last night. They are women who work in the field - one is the country coordinator for CARE in the Sudan (Liz M. Laughlin) and the other is the education coordinator working in India, Bangladesh, Nepal - she actually lives in Atlanta now.

I was fascinated with the stories of Liz. She was a member of one of the first convoys that delivered aid to Sarajevo in 1993. It changed her life and she has moved from being a stockbroker (background in finance) to a caterer to a humanitarian worker. Her work in the Sudan is amazing - she is committed to the process of peacebuilding (coming from the "nationals") and is working continually facilitating those efforts. She told us that the tribal groups had their own ways for dealing with conflict and that she readily encouraged that process. I found that information when I was doing research for my senior thesis - that some countries had opted for traditional methods of dealing with the transgressions of their neighbors rather than take on the new forms of truth and reconciliation commissions. Anyway, I was very selfish and completely monopolized her time after dinner. We talked about the Balkans (where she eventually ended up working for 12 years), I told her of my passion for the area even though I had not been there and that I really hoped to be able to visit the area, she gave me her e-mail address and offered her contacts when I go. She's doing work I respect and would love to know more about. She's committed to involvement at the local level in a very dangerous place. She is committed to training locals to do jobs for CARE in Sudan. She believes that peace can come from the bottom up and remains committed to local peace building exercises. I asked her if she thought I could get someone to put me through the peace building training!?

Off today to yoga, wine store, Costco for new dog beds and then home for some research for Mango Tree, research on grants and working on a business plan. The Chairman of the board of Coca Cola lives in Atlanta. I''m going to try to contact him and see if he will be my mentor. I listened to him talk yesterday and was impressed - of course, that's why he's the COB of Coca cola! The weather is beautiful so I will probably take the dog for a nice long walk this evening. After dinner, before it's dark - I still have trouble with figuring out what to do with the evenings when no one is home - TV is good for a while but then...

Yesterday and Today

First day of alone...went for a walk, went to yoga, had lunch with Suzanne at Horseradish Grill (veggie plate - awesome), then stopped by the Pilates studio and came home. Worked on Mango Tree, watched Dancing with the Stars (I have always loved the show) and went to bed.

Up this morning to go to yoga, then come home and do Mango Tree stuff. Today I'm going to take my walk in the evening. It's a long time from 5 p.m. until bedtime. If I walk at dusk it won't be too hot or too dark. Seems to be the evenings that are unusually long.

There's no gas available, I don't want to use all I have so I don't have any errands. Should go buy some wine and a new bed for Cassie but that's all the way over in Kennesaw. Maybe tomorrow when I go to Pattersons to work on Mango Tree I can stop by Costco and by Total Wine on my way home.

Home Alone?

Sounds like a good name for a movie!

Today marks the first time I have lived alone, with the exception of a short time in 1975. When I lived alone in 1975 (the dark ages) I had a black and white springer spaniel named Jason and a beautiful grey kitten named Jasmine. I sold Jason to someone who had a whole lot of time to spend with him and I gave Jasmine to a friend who really wanted a kitten, and again who had more time to spend than I did...I wasn't very good on my own. I found lots of reasons to be away from home.

I left Lesley at the airport in LA on Saturday afternoon. It was bittersweet. When Lesley went off to college, neither of us were very happy - it had been a very tough year and I was glad to see her going to college. She was thrilled to be leaving home, was not happy with us here. I never got to have that going away to college, gosh I'm going to miss you time (like I have since had with Joe and Andy). Lesley moved back home after she graduated from college and it has been a great year. I have enjoyed her company and been able to watch her grow a little! She developed great relationships with Tim and I, her brothers, Cassie the dog and people at work. She really enjoyed her job at Starbucks. We said goodbye on the rental car shuttle bus - I held it together until she was out of sight then totally lost it. Had a few moments in the security line and on the plane. It's a weird feeling. She has arrived in Taiwan, says it smells salty and humid like the beach (I asked her to remember all the smells so she could describe it to me) and today was her first full day in the country. I know she will enjoy it.

We did have a great weekend in LA. Arrived at about 9:30, got our bags, got to the hotel, crashed. Of course, once we arrived in LA they couldn't get the jetway to work - that took about 15 minutes, then I went to get the car while Lesley waited with the luggage and the line to get the car was about 30 minutes, then, of course, even with the GPS we got lost going to the hotel which was only three miles away! We got to our room and the hotel had given us keys that were too big for the slots in the door! Friday morning we both had a workout, then went to Hollywood, Beverly Hills and Santa Monica. We went to Grauman's Chinese Theatre which was very cool and very touristy. Walked on the beach at Santa Monica and wandered around the Santa Monica pedestrian area which were both very cool. Had some good Mexican food and humongous margaritas and went back to our hotel. Saturday we went separate ways!

Today Tim left at 6:15 a.m. for Philly. He won't be home until October 1. Rather than coming home from Philly on Thursday he is going to Minneapolis so he can go down to Andy's parents' weekend at SMU. Andy is performing with the concert choir, the chamber choir and the jazz ensemble. Tim will then go back to Philly from Minneapolis.

I am going to Joe's last parents' weekend. Joe never really wanted us to come before. It is his senior year, he is the president of his fraternity and they are having a barbecue and keg party on Saturday! I doubt if all the parents will come but, I will be there for a little while. I'll drive up on Saturday morning and drive home on Sunday. Sarah H. will be watching Cassie - in combination with other members of her family...depending on who's home.

Off for a walk, then yoga, then lunch with friends.

Today

Good morning!

It's always funny to go back and reread my old posts.

Andy managed to graduate from high school and decided to go to St. Mary's University in Winona, Minnesota. He is part of their music performance program playing the bass guitar. So far he has been accepted into the concert choir, the chamber choir and he is playing in a jazz ensemble. Our communication with him is based on grunts and one word answers - but, the words are: awesome, I love it (okay that's three words), fabulous...I'm just crossing my fingers and thinking good thoughts that he is getting his school work done and done well and timely!

Lesley leaves for Taiwan on Thursday - I am traveling with her to LA on Thursday, she actually leaves for Taiwan on Saturday, and I will return home on Saturday as well. She will be there for a year working for a Taiwanese company teaching English to Taiwanese kids. Her last day at work was Friday, September 12. She loved working at Starbucks - made some friends, some money and for the first time in her life, was able to pay for her own medical insurance benefits. For the last few days I have been helping her get ready to make the trip - buying a few items that she needed, clothes, shoes, a rolling duffle bag, getting all her prescriptions filled. All those kinds of things We had a going away party for her on Saturday night - it was a lot of fun. However, I didn't get to bed until about 2:00!!!! Way too late after way too much wine.

My Mom is stuck in Montgomery after Hurricane Ike with no power and with cousin Vicki and Bob's Mom and Dad. The power has been out since Saturday - but they sound like they have a little outpost kind of thing going on . They are all out working in the yard, have set up the kitchen on her porch and are taking turns with a neighbor running to get ice. Plus, they have the pool if it gets really unbearably hot. They are also lucky that they have running water and are able to shower and flush toilets. Mom is cooking every piece of meat in her freezer - a feast I'm sure. Hopefully they are getting close to the end. If they are still out of power next week, I'm going to ask them to come here. They could come this week but have chosen not to!

Tim is still commuting (now a year later) but is close to selling his company. I'm thrilled. However, it's the calm before the storm. Now it's going to be nuts. With all the information that is required, all the analysis of who's going to go where and do what. We're hoping for an executive office here in Atlanta. It's not that Atlanta is a place I can't leave, it's just convenient. I have good friends, good contacts and I'm not sure I'm really willing to leave all that. However, Tim is the one who supports us so I will do whatever needs to happen!

Me, I'm hanging around. Feeling a little discombobulated and a little scared and a little excited. I laugh that if I didn't have to get up for the dog in the morning I wouldn't get up at all. It's not quite that dramatic - I'm practicing yoga, no cardio lately except for tennis - which kills my feet which is why I'm not doing too much otherwise. Hot flashes are running rampant - but I bought a book about menopause written by Christine Northrup and it is fantastic. Some of the information is a little overboard - she used tarot cards to help her support her intuition development. I'm not sure that's for me but I laughed at the first four pages of the book because I felt like she had been in my house with me! Some of the same feelings and expressions of frustration. It's an interesting time. I'm supplementing my low calorie, low carb diet with fish oil, evening primrose oil, calcium with vitamin D and some menopause herbs in Estroven.

Mango Tree is also hanging around. We're waiting to hear from the IRS. I sent the 501(c)(3) form in August - got a letter that they had received it and am now just waiting, waiting, waiting...We are meeting tomorrow - I hope we get moving forward on things.

Today I am going to a new book club - The Tortilla Curtain was the book. Then I am having a facial. Tonight, maybe yoga! Tomorrow I'm getting my hair done and Mango Treeing...Thursday leaving for LA. Home Sunday.

Funeral Yesterday - Repost

I went to a funeral yesterday. It was to honor a man I only met once - Giriraj Rao. I am good friends with his step-daughter. My friend's mom married Mr. Rao about 10 years ago, after the death of his first wife. My friend and I graduated from college together, in fact, we walked hand in hand giggling and waving into the auditorium, totally enjoying each other's company and celebrating our accomplishments (it was so much more fun than sitting with people we didn't know and/or don't like). We also had some classes together, including Senior Seminar with Dr. Moran. She is a spectacular young woman and I am honored to be among her friends.

I only found out about the funeral for Mr. Rao when I picked up the Saturday Atlanta paper - I'm really weird about reading the obituaries. As soon as I saw his photo on the front of the newspaper, I knew who he was. I was shocked.

I met Mr. Rao at a party honoring his step-daughter's graduation from college. I was immediately drawn to Mr. Rao. His charm and intelligence were an irresistible combination for me. We quickly fell into a conversation about college. Mr. Rao believed very strongly in education and spent time at UCBerkley as well as finishing undergraduate work in India. He came to the United States on a scholarship from his government and was indebted to the government of India after college. He fulfilled that obligation but ended up back in the US at UCBerkley. Even though my friend was not his natural born daughter, he was so incredibly proud of her accomplishments. On an aside, my friend is from Azerbijian (a country of the former Soviet Union) and English is her second language.

We talked more about his unbelievable career at Coca Cola - where he was instrumental in the creation of Fresca and Mello Yello.

Eventually we turned to one of the subjects I had been taught to avoid at all costs, religion. I tend to be very religiously tolerant, but a lot of people don't share my tolerance. Growing up in the south, not only were girls to be seen and not heard, but we were also strictly told to avoid discussions of politics and religion! So, I will almost never initiate a conversation about either of them. But, I will participate - I listen a lot and then get involved. Mr. Rao established immediately that he shared my views of religious tolerance and understanding and then told me some of his personal history. He was involved with Gandhi, has always practiced nonviolence and inclusion and celebration of diversity. We talked at great length about the importance of all the world religions, how important it is for them all to recognize each other and find a common thread. Then he talked at great length about a little curio cabinet mounted on his wall. Inside this little cabinet were representations from some of the world's religions - Christianity, Judaism and Hinduism. He talked about each piece, why they were significant to him and why he had wanted to put all the items together in one place for people to recognize.
As he talked, I realized that I was in the presence of truly a great man.

It's hard to describe the feeling that I had when I left that evening. I felt as if I had just been brought around another corner in my personal development, led to another part of my spirit and soul. He drew me into his circle, talked with me, he was completely present and I felt his presence as we talked. There are only a few people that I have met in my world that have made me feel like this. I knew he was special and I really enjoyed the short time we spent together. He touched my spirit, my intellect, sort of reminding me of the purpose that I have here on this earth and in my life.

I called home to tell everyone at home that I was on my way home and when I was talking with my Mom (she was here for the graduation ceremony) I told her about this gentleman I had just met. I remember thinking, Wow, I just met a great man.

I was reminded of that yesterday at his funeral service. There was a Hindu priest, a woman who sang traditional Indian songs (she was phenomenal) and at least 10 or more speakers who all told of how this gentle man had touched their lives. I was mesmerized and, after almost 2.5 hours, felt like I had known him my whole life. At the end of the service, the family members rose and stood next to the casket. All the audience filed by, slowly and orderly, to pay their respects to Mr. Rao. We all laid rose petals in his casket. On his face around his nose and mouth were grains of rice and there were some other things on his face that I am sure had significance but of which I am not aware of. It was beautiful. After everyone had talked with the family, they had a private moment with his body. They, with the Hindu priest chanting and leading the way, all walked out of the chapel with each family member touching the casket. They walked down the hall, to where Mr. Rao was cremated. It was the most sincere and touching funeral and memorial celebration I had ever attended.

All this makes me think though. When I die will people say I lived a "good" life - not materialistic but did I stand for something not did I have something? What will my legacy be? And, all this, of course, gets in my head even more based on the fact that I'm reading the Eckhart Tolle book about finding out what the world wants from me - what is my true purpose here - because for some reason, I continue to find myself in the presence of people who care, people like Mr. Rao who reinforce for me the need for coexistence, for tolerance and acceptance regardless...surely this is part of the plan for me and my life.

How am I going to take that further, what are my actions going to be to reinforce for someone else these ideas?

nbb

http://www.legacy.com/atlanta/Obituaries.asp?Page=Lifestory&PersonId=106983773

Lots of Venting and Ranting

As we are coming to the end of month five of the World CEO Tour, I'm getting tired of it. My hubby is commuting Monday - Thursday to Philly. He should be able to just concentrate on work and resting - do what he needs to do to take care of himself. He's working and resting all right but then when he comes home he's tired and doesn't want to do anything. That's unfortunate because after a week of being "held captive in the house" I am desperate for something to do. I miss my man being home! But what I really miss is my man being home and him being ready to play with me. Whatever kinds of things - going to the movie, having friends over. This is the reason I went back to college - I needed something to challenge me intellectually and needed a social life. Now that is all done and I'm back where I started - granted with a summa cum laude degree but...

I'm lonely and am slowly becoming unproductive. Finishing college has left me in a state of perpetual "wtf do I do now?" There are so many things to be done - every day I make a list but what I accomplish are the freaking mundane things - go to the grocery, pick up the laundry, do the laundry, make the beds, workout. But, in reality, I'm so over that domestic phase of my life. And, while working out is good for my head and great for my body, it's definitely fulfilling on one level but so unfulfilling on another level.

My son is taking an eHigh School class - Health and Fitness - they continue to schedule mandatory weekend classes which have totally wreaked havoc on the possibilities of him getting to college auditions (for bass guitar) in other cities. I had to cancel an audition at University of the Arts in Philly scheduled for this coming weekend - had to cancel the flight, had to cancel my husband's rearranged flight and then rearrange his schedule so he could come home instead of staying in Philly for the weekend. It's a $300 oops from the eHigh School staff. They tell me that the schedule has been posted since October - like I would know that! Not only that but every time I tried to get on the website for the eHigh School I was told that since I didn't have a login (which you only get after you register for a freaking class) that I could not access the information I needed!!!!!!!!!! I just don't get it. I contacted eHigh School and they told me that there would be absolutely no make-ups allowed - if my son didn't show up he would be dropped from the class...not good when you're a second semester senior who has to have this class to freaking graduate. So, as I mentioned, we cancelled the audition and the flights and are sitting on this whole thing for a while.

So, I have decided to cancel the whole audition process. I have withdrawn Andy's applications to Berklee and to UArts because we just can't possibly fit in the audition/interview schedules we/they need. Most of the auditions are in February and it is impossible for us to get to any of them; even until probably mid-March. My decision is based on Andy's schedule for school - eHigh School, Drama and Men's Chorus and the fact that this fabulous kid informed me yesterday that he is afraid he isn't good enough to get into Berklee or UArts. Now, this is coming from a 17 year old boy who, from what everyone tells me, is a great bass player! They are constantly telling me what a good musician he is. This is coming from a boy who only wants to be a musician or be involved in the music industry somehow. His fear has paralyzed him - right now he has shut down, will not participate in the college discussions and had refused to come up with an alternative plan He feels it would be wasting our money to fly him up for auditions! And, it would - an audition trip to Berklee in Boston costs about $1,000 - airfare for two, hotel rooms, food; then multiply that by 2 because he was also auditioning at UArts in Philly. But what really pisses me off (and probably more at myself than at him) is that this boy from the beginning told me he wanted to go to a local music school (AIM - Atlanta Institute of Music) for a year. But, my hubby and I, in our infinite adult wisdom, decided that he didn't know what he really wanted...that what he really wanted was a liberal arts education at a small private liberal arts college where he could major in music. However, the negative to that is that small private liberal arts colleges have a hefty price tag - $30K a year - a lot of money if you have a kid who could give a rip that they are there. I have made him complete his college applications, I have gotten transcripts sent, etc. He has done very little. Last night, as he is almost in tears, over just a general "college/audition" conversation about rearranging stuff - when he informed me that he is worried that he isn't good enough to get in - I asked him what he thought his alternatives were. He said he doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up - I laughed and reminded him that very few people know what they want to be when they grow up even when they grow up and that it changes all the time. He mentioned AIM again - I asked him if he had any information on the programs or requirements. He said no but went to his room and got on their website and began the process of applying. They have a program starting, a quarter system, July-September. He wants to do it! I told him that he would be required to get a job and go to school. That he also would be required to get his driver's license...so he could get himself to work and school and home. We talked a little bit more and he thinks that if he gets a least a quarter in at this school, it will help him to figure out where he fits in the overall "national/international" music scene. If he likes it he stays, if it gives him enough confidence, he may audition for music colleges or if he hates it then he can go to regular college in January! The other good news is that his bass teacher is the former director of bass programs at AIM and still an instructor there and had suggested that Andy look at attending the school...When I contacted Russ last night to tell him that we needed to reschedule bass lessons for the next few weeks because of chorus rehearsals and eHigh School stuff, he said that if Andy applied to AIM that he needed to tell the school that he had recommended him.

The issue at AIM is that they are not a "residential" college. And here's why that's an issue - with my husband working in Philly, our goal was to move our home to Philly after Andy graduated from high school. If Andy is at AIM, he will have to get an apartment near the school. This kid is so not ready for living on his own...the biggest problem being that he doesn't drive...how will he be able to get to work, to classes, to gigs if he doesn't drive and can't get himself there. If we don't move, then Andy can live at home, or get an apartment, while I am here to help him transition, but I'm still not going to be willing to drive him all over town to do what he needs to do. Not only that, Andy is pretty naive and a very good kid. Example, when I ask Andy what time he will be home on Friday or Saturday night, he says 10:30!!!!!! In this world of sex, drugs and rock and roll all he needs is the eye opening experience of roomies into drugs or alcohol!!!!!!!!!! Scares the shit out of me! It is such an alternative way of life, a way of life that has cost many very talented people their lives. Yeah, this whole thing just really scares me so much.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep last night - AT ALL!!!! My kids are making me old - so much worry, so much love, so many opportunities - you just want them to have the opportunity to make the most of their abilities, to pursue their passions - so why is it so hard for them to do it. Perhaps if we would just get out of the way, let him do what he wants to do and move from there. I worry that if he doesn't get out there in the real world, away from the comforts of home, he may never be able to figure out the challenges of living. Like how hard it is to support yourself in the lifestyle he is accustomed to when you are working part-time at McDonalds...

So what are the options? I can continue to be a complete and total head case (or bitch depending on who you talk to) or I can get my shit together and start working. Getting this out of my head and on to the screen (paper) does help. I think I will take the alternative and get my self moving - I'm working on a speech today, working on Articles of Incorporation for Mango Tree Foundation, finishing the Letter of Instructions for Shipping Bikes!

Nancy